I Wish My Brain Was Working

The Danger of Sleeping

That gut wrenching feeling inside your heart that feels like a weight that pulls you to the ground, stumbling on your feet. The heaviness that keeps you awake at night because you feel every inch of your body sinking into the mattress and the sheets begin to suffocate you. 

You close your eyes and all you see is her. The outline of her face, then her eyes, then her hair, and the rest of her features begin to appear. You squeeze your eyes so tight to keep her presence from fading away. You concentrate so much that you open your eyes and you’re alone again. 

Dreams what a marvelous way to have what you want but what a deceitful way to pretend to have something you can’t. Dreams, they leave you frustrated and empty. There really isn’t any satisfaction in dreaming at all. 

Dinner

I just wanted to try something different tonight.

Why didn’t you tell me you were allergic to peanuts?

Death saved me..

There were so many nights I wanted to die.So many nights I sat in that same corner of my room.I would be filled with rage, I was so fuckin’ angry. The type of anger that leaves you breathless with that evil yet beautiful crimson color in your face, and feeling like you’re about to vomit every organ in your body. The kind of anger where you’d pull your own hair and scratch your legs because you don’t know how else to deal. I was so angry.Angry that my life was going the way it was.I didn’t want to deal with being depressed. I hated hating myself. I came to the conclusion that I was never going to live a normal life. This bothered me. Why did these things happen to me? Why did God let me go through that? Why wasn’t He there for to protect me?! It bothered me so fuckin’ much because I was only 12. Why did I feel so much pain and suffering at that time, at that age where the only things you should be worried about are crushes and playing.One night I just sat there crying. I got up, got my razor, sat back down calmly, and placed the beautiful metal against my skin. As I felt the cold tip begin to prick my wrist, I became overwhelmed with pure joy and pure fear at the same time. You see, I wanted to die. I couldn’t bear the pain of living anymore-but I was scared. Not of leaving my family, not of the pain-the physical pain was what i liked-but rather, of death. The thought of not knowing where I will end up. Not knowing if there really, truly is a God. And if there was, would he let me in heaven after I just finished slitting my wrist and letting my self slowly drift in a slumber of death? I didn’t know. The thought of having my dead body in a coffin made me sick to my stomach. I felt suffocated just thinking about being in the ground for eternity. I’d cry and cry just by thinking about what would happen after death. It scared me more than anything in this world. I promise you, if it wasn’t for my fear of death, there is no wayI ‘d be alive right now.
Death saved me from dying.

I’m missing him more than I’ve ever missed him before. 

I dont count down the days of his ship out date.

It would only break my heart more.

I fall harder and harder with each passing moment.

This boy has become something so precious to me, something so special.

My best friend, my personal comedian, my crying shoulder.

I cant begin to describe the pain I am in just thinking about his leaving to Afghanistan again.

The thought of him not returning.

The anxiety, the constant tremors that travel through my heart. It is all too much. 

I wasn’t this bad the first time he left.

Please don’t tell me it gets harder and harder with each deployed.

Isn’t it supposed to get easier?

My heart cant handle it.

I will cherish the last day I have with him before he leaves.

I will try to memorize the feeling of his lips caressing mine, the way his arms naturally curl around my body, his beautiful dark eyes and his quirky, awkward self.

I will be waiting for you no matter how difficult it may be

My Personal Philosophy

I believe that happiness is a gift that is bestowed upon those who strive for it. It is a magical feeling that can defeat every dark thought that is drenched with negativity within the mind, but at the same time, it lightens an entire room within one smile. Happiness can come through a simple compliment thrown our way, the feeling we experience when receiving a good grade, the butterflies that fill our stomachs as we think about our first teenage love or through the overwhelming feeling of adventure when discovering something new. It is not only through the experiences we go through that can make us happy, but like the cosmic karma surrounding us, we embrace happiness. Like a child without a mother, a song without an artist and a tree without its leaves, the world without happiness is like a dance without its movement. And while walking along the coast, watching the water flowing into the beach, we need to absorb every grain of sand and salt to admire the true and natural beauty while sifting out the pieces of glass, only to collect the pure and white sand that remains.

strangers with fiction

all those time i said i was faking it?

i was just faking it.

The Beast of Me

I wish you never came into my world

Manipulating me into believe all these lies

A brew, a mixture, a curse all begin to swirl

Screaming about, these ghosts inside

At first a cough, a hiccup of evil

Hesitation and Common Sense knew better

Then a quick, sharp upheaval

Thrown into the face and stern voice of “we need to talk”

My mind began to feel and listen for you

Apologizing for the vomit I left

Knowing that was something I would never do

Your beginning attempts at theft

I regained my trust and thoughts

Till you revived in me again

My days filled with foughts

Like a fox I hid in my den

Enveloping my mind around my words

Disgusting and mushy like rotten fruit

When I looked at the birds

They seemed to look at me as if I were a brute

People walked by my hole

Wondering if I was well

I played a good role

Lies I began to sell

A few days came around

When I mustered some joy

Your ghosts recognized the sound

Oh, I became your toy

Tossing and turning in the sea

Swallowing and choking

I fell to one knee

Wet from head to toe, soaking

I can’t pick happiness from the ground

Drugs suppress your ghosts for a while

My past life is no where to be found

This pain is as long as the nile

I slowly give in to the dark

Seems like the only way left

Wild, frivolous paths I embark

My soul you bereft

I began to run through the cities

Yelling like a ferocious being

Flipping tables and ruining ditties

I began to tear at people hearts

And spit out vomit in their faces

I never know when it all starts

I leave sadness in so many places

You’ve made me the biggest beast of all

Eating my friends in one 

None of them could catch my fall

All is done

There is no turning back

I’ve left my track

it burns us

I pick at the cuticle on my left pinky nail and listen to you calmly as you prattle on about my carelessness and lack of restraint. But on the inside I am a raging, demon possessed twelve year old who just wants to piss all over your shoes.

if only ( soundbites from my inner conflict resolution talks)

If I only I spoke with a British accent..that way everything I said would sound so profound. “Pass the Strawberry frosted Pop.Tarts”. Just say that with a British accent and you get what I mean.

A.

i fucking love you.  i don’t give a shit what anyone has to say about it.  i chose you for a reason. because you, like me, was searching for someone that would love you until the end.  fuck everyone else.  i’m in love with you. Y.O.U.  get it? 

the adventure began 5.21.10 and is still happening…